Thursday, December 28, 2006

There's no place like home?

Home seems like such a fluid concept to me. I always say I am going home referring to Waverly, NY. I also say I'm going home when I refer to Phoenixville, PA. So where is my home? They say home is where the heart is. I really wouldn't be able to say where mine is as far as location goes. Being in New York makes me feel like it's there. I had such a great time over Christmas break. Sure it was busy and I did a lot of running around, but it was great. I feel like I easily fit back in at home. I can easily fall back into my place as pastor's daughter, aunt, sister, and daughter. I have family there. I like walking the few blocks to my sister's house and walking in. I like seeing my niece at least once a day. I like getting together with old friends and it taking only 2 minutes to meet up. I never realized how close everything realize is at my home in NY. Sure the closest mall is 25 miles away and the closest chain restaurants are 20 miles away, but people just seem so close. And if I need to drive the 25 miles to the mall then it only takes 20 minutes. It doesn't take an hour because I don't have to sit in horrible traffic. I miss going to the grocery store and running into several people I know. It is impossible to go out without seeing someone you know. It annoyed me in the past but at times I find it endearing now. I never thought I would consider moving back to NY but the thought has crossed my mind. It's hard not being near my niece or the rest of my family. My friend is trying to talk me into moving back and I am actually considering it. Then I think about what I would be leaving. I would be leaving behind my independence and my freedom. At times I like that I have very little ties. I don't have to worry about being the pastor's daughter. I don't have to worry about my family stopping by to see me anytime they want. I don't have to worry about running into someone at the store when I am trying to avoid everyone. I also have a wonderful set of friends who is like family to me....they are just more spread out. It would be very hard to separate from them. So I don't know what I want yet again. I also feel like I want an exciting new place all together to make a fresh start. I don't know. In Sweet Home Alabama, one of the characters says you can have both roots and wings. That may be true but how can you fly if your roots are stuck in the ground?

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


I feel such a sense of relief and almost peace. Yesterday was the last day of my practicum and today was my last final. For the next month all I have is a full-time job :). HAHAHA. It's so funny to me that my light time is the average person's life. I can't wait to join the ranks and have ONE normal, steady job. This semester was so hard for me. I thought I had become a pro at juggling multiple jobs and school. I didn't expect to burn out like I did. It effected everything about me. I didn't really feel like myself and I am definitely still recovering. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted though and pieces of myself are starting to fall back into place.

Lynette and I were thinking about having our Christmas party next Tuesday when we usually have prayer (we can do both). How does that work for everyone?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Cleansing tears

People say tears can be healing and cleansing and it is really true. I just had dinner with a friend and the tears just came. I was just planning to have dinner to catch up with a friend whom I hadn't seen in awhile. I really had no intention of sharing my deep, dark struggles at all. I expected the usual "What have you been up to lately?" talk. I expected to just catch up with my friend but we ended up talking more. I was even thinking about canceling because I had a lot of social interaction today and it just seemed like too much to handle. I really didn't want to share more than surface talk but ended up crying for the first time in a long time. I have had tears in my eyes a lot lately but this is the first time I let them flow. I have felt so numb and not myself for a couple of months that I have not been able to cry even though there are times I have wanted to. I fought the tears at first but I gave up my fight to be strong. The friend I was with is one of my dearest friends who understands me more than most people. I just let myself cry on his shoulder. I then cried the whole way home and even have some tears now. I honestly feel a little better somehow. It never ceases to amaze me how God looks out for me and knows who/ what to send into my life even when I'm not actively seeking him.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Jack of all trades, master of none

I'm downward falling in this deep dark abyss. All I see around me is darkness. I look up and I see a slight glimmer of light way above this deep, dark hole I'm falling into. It seems so far up and so out of reach. I'm free-falling through the air, feeling numb, just waiting to hit the bottom. I anticipate bottom, even though it never seems to come. I almost welcome the cold, rocky bottom. I look forward to the bottom because then I can get my bearings and maybe even stand up. I can look up to the light and try to figure out how to get out of this hole that I just stumbled into because I wasn't watching where I was going. Once in awhile I look up to see if there are hands reaching down to try to break my fall. There seems to be no one there, no one trying to stop my fall. Maybe there were hands reaching down and I just batted them away. I give up looking up into the light and stare into the darkness. I continue to free-fall into the darkness. Once in awhile I bounce off the rocky walls. This leaves me scarred and bruised. I continue my descent into the darkness, waiting for the light to break through.

I really think my main problem is that I am so burnt out. It just impacts my entire being. I really don't feel like myself at all. I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore. I can't wait for this all to be over so I can go on living again. I feel like I have nothing left in me to give.