Saturday, December 09, 2006

Jack of all trades, master of none

I'm downward falling in this deep dark abyss. All I see around me is darkness. I look up and I see a slight glimmer of light way above this deep, dark hole I'm falling into. It seems so far up and so out of reach. I'm free-falling through the air, feeling numb, just waiting to hit the bottom. I anticipate bottom, even though it never seems to come. I almost welcome the cold, rocky bottom. I look forward to the bottom because then I can get my bearings and maybe even stand up. I can look up to the light and try to figure out how to get out of this hole that I just stumbled into because I wasn't watching where I was going. Once in awhile I look up to see if there are hands reaching down to try to break my fall. There seems to be no one there, no one trying to stop my fall. Maybe there were hands reaching down and I just batted them away. I give up looking up into the light and stare into the darkness. I continue to free-fall into the darkness. Once in awhile I bounce off the rocky walls. This leaves me scarred and bruised. I continue my descent into the darkness, waiting for the light to break through.

I really think my main problem is that I am so burnt out. It just impacts my entire being. I really don't feel like myself at all. I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore. I can't wait for this all to be over so I can go on living again. I feel like I have nothing left in me to give.


At 1:25 PM, Blogger Jessica said...

Hang in there, Nina. I can speak from experience that the light is closer than you think it is. Hang on to what you know to be true and do your best to let go of feelings. You know that you aren't alone (though it feels like it a lot of the time), that people love you (and most of all Jesus ADORES you), that people understand (and Jesus willingly went where you are so that you could have a way out). Keep your chin up. I know this all sounds strange coming from someone who is dealing with very similar things, but I've learned a thing or two on my journey. I love you so much, Nina, and I don't want you to have to hurt this way. Hold on to truth and when you can't think of anything else, just say, "Jesus." That name has more power than we realize. Just say His name and He'll be there, fighting for you when you have no more strength. Say His name and believe that He is who He says He is. Hold on to that. Make yourself believe it. Don't give in to the feelings, because the feelings want you to stay where you are. Choose to give in to truth and the way out.

When's a good time to call you?


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